I’m so tired.
It’s not something I admit outloud, as if the admitting will make me look worse to the rest of the world, but my exhaustion is starting to show. Admitting it to the rest of the world makes me feel weak, and vulnerable, and it’s scary. I would rather be Ms. Reliable, Ms. Invulnerable, Ms. I have everything figured out, for the rest of my life.
But feeling this soul-tired is starting to make me feel even more vulnerable and weak, and I’m starting to feel like my outer facade is not a line of defense, but rather a hindrance to really heal.
And God, I’m so tired.
And I don’t know how to come alive again. Truly come alive and not the mask of life I pretend to at the beginning of each semester. I try this and I try that, I study new and interesting things, I bask, I meditate, I take on new projects, but nothing invigorates me anew. I sleep, and I eat right, and I take mental time off, but I’m never rested. I have tried every prescribed method of healing, and none of it has worked because none of it sticks.
And every time I fail, I feel my will to succeed die inside me, while the pressure to succeed never abates. I’m terrified of the future, I’m terrified of the past, and I’m terrified of the present, the crushing certainty that there is so much to do, and the crushing uncertainty as to whether or not I can do anything.
I’m so tired of fear.
I place a pen to paper, study for a bit, but I never want to continue. And I am studying what’s interesting to me, the study of risk and uncertainty and studying how to predict the future, and dammit, when I’m lucid, I love it. As unfashionable as it is to admit out loud, I love Statistics and mathematics and business theory and even that damn classics course that needs to stop apologizing for rape, and I’m miss my excitement and focus.
I’m so tired of apathy.
I want to conquer the world, to know I can be an expert and take on responsibility and leadership, to feel free to act, act like a fool or a queen or a leader or whatever. I want to dream, plan and damn it, I want to complete. I want to stare failure in the face and laugh, not cower.
I’m so tired of cowardice.
But most of all, I’m tired of wanting and not doing. I want to do and not just to want, and I want to do big, and not just dream big. I’m tired of making excuses for myself, letting myself be useless and tired, but I’m too tired to force myself to be anything else.
I’m tired of being tired.